Three Silly Monkeys!

A dear friend of mine has Glioblastoma - an extremely aggressive form of the "C" word...

He also has a beautiful wife and cute little daughter... he waited a long time for both of them!

Now his time may be cut short.

I feel helpless... 

When in doubt, I crochet... but what?

They made it easy for me - their family nickname is: 

Perfect!

I hate to turn such a serious subject into a crochet blog post, but it is therapy for us all, right?

First - brown beanies.

I love the half-double crochet stitch - and my new love-hook-size is an H.

I can whip one up in an hour if I watch a scary movie!

"The Collector" (don't watch it - it is appalling) worked for me...

Papa Beanie... Momma Beanie... and Baby Girl Beanie!

  Now... how to turn these into monkeys... hmmm...

First I suppose they need ears... so I made a bunch of them by guess and by golly (literally).

Not sure exactly what monkey ears should look like, but this might be close.

Each turned out somewhat different, but I found three pairs that seemed to match up... kind of. 

What else... oh yea... I need some yarn needles.

"Quick run" (three hours) to Michael's... 

thankfully they are only 99 cents (so I could buy more yarn)!

At the risk of sounding like my Junior High, Home Ec teacher, 

I have one word of advice:  B A S T E

I ever-so carefully sewed the ear on, perfectly weaving in and clipping the ends before trying it on.  Big mistake.  As I painstakingly tried to remove it, I clipped the wrong yarn!  

Oops.

"Spirit of Grammy Mim"... what do I do? 

After tying and weaving, you can hardly tell - and the ear covers is nicely...

Whew - thanks Grammy!  Note to self:  buy a Styrofoam head

I thought about adding pink to the middle - 

but it looked even more like a mouse than it already did.

OK, I'm ready to make the flowers for mommy and Elly.  

As I finished the chain (3-doubles in each hole) I paused...

Maybe I should make little Elly's into little hair extensions?  Naaaah...

I love making these... they just roll right into a perfect flower... it is easier if you stitch them together before adding them to the hat - found that out the hard way.  

Roll... 

Stitch... 

 Plop...

Now what... maybe a puff of hair at the top?  Why not!

I wrapped the yarn around my fat little thumb and it was perfect.  Wrap wrap wrap.

Anchor....

Clip.... 

And Voila - Here is the final product! 

Wish a cure could be whipped up as easily...

In the meantime maybe this will bring a smile to

 THREE SILLY MONKEYS!

To be delivered...

September 4, 2012

Benham took his final breath tonight...

Rest in Peace my dear cowboy friend... 

In Front of Mimi's Fireplace

28 years ago today I was questioning my sanity... doubting my decision.
Will I be a good stepmother? 

Will I go crazy living with anyone, must less THREE members of the male species?  

Would I have to sell my Condo?  All day long I pondered what the hell I was doing.  

Since relatives were filling up my grandmother's house, I spent the day alone.  Bad idea.

Then it started raining.  They say that's a sign of good luck.  I hope so.

I piled the stereo into my Bug and headed out... 

racing like a maniac over the river and through the woods...

and true to form, arrived in the nick of time.

***

I dreamed of being married in front of Grammy Mim's fireplace since I was 3 years old...

This was the dress my Aunt Barbara wore as my mother's Maid of Honor!

At 29, I was being scuttled into my grandmother's bedroom to get dressed,
having a major anxiety attack!

I felt someone pushing me down a hill... I couldn't stop... couldn't breathe.

Dad tried to calm me down... then Mimi finally (and literally) kicked me 

through the swinging doors that opened up to the dining room. 

As I turned the corner I saw Marcel, my best friend, 

standing where I always dreamed he would be...

in front of Mimi's Fireplace...

March 16, 1984 - in front of Mimi's fireplace... right where I belong

Happy Anniversary to us!
***

Gardenia Moments

A "White Gardenia Book" is a journal of compliments you receive.  Letters written to you, things you hear about yourself throughout the week, a letter from a teacher, a casual compliment at the grocery store... anything that makes you feel good about yourself!  A personal reference book, of sorts, to be opened when you need a boost of confidence... feel overwhelmed... unappreciated.

It's kind of a magical idea, don't you think?  A book whose sole purpose is to make you feel good - your own private Brag Book!  It could include an old letter from your father, a post-it note left on your car  window, an email from a new friend.  It is a book of love letters to yourself! Didn't Oprah suggest this?

The best compliments come when we least expect it - arriving for no reason at all, other than someone thought about you, caring enough to write it down - whether a handwritten note that arrives gloriously in the mailbox, or a simple post on Facebook.  I know, I know, Facebook, right?  But it is how we communicate today.  Sometimes those snippets, those random words of kindness, those little Gardenia Moments, are exactly what someone needs to hear... 

One such example came from an old friend, whom I only see on my annual summer trek to Oregon.  I'm not sure what prompted her to write this, but I'm so grateful she did:

Debbie, I have loved you since the day we knocked on your door that first visit! You are such a wonderful example of a loving daughter, mother and grandmother and such a true friend. I am amazed by your authenticity and humility in all that you do. I only want for you to trust and love yourself the way that we all trust and love you!

She saw inside my heart... this will be my first entry in my book!

I am often teased for my streak of sentimentality, and spontaneous tears.  I saw a post of Paul Pollard and Ted Spring, holding hands after 50 years of  togetherness and commented that it "made my heart soar and my eyes well with tears."  I waited for the sarcastic remarks to arrive.  Instead, I read: 

"A soul that has a heart that soars, and eyes that well up with tears belongs to someone that is a gift to us all."

Next time I'm teased for my tears, I will have those words to remember...

So keep your post-it's handy, and next time you receive a compliment, just say THANK YOU, grab a pen and write it down!   Nothing fancy - a simple spiral will do.  Title it "My White Orchid Book"... "My Pink Roses"...  "My Field of Daisies" ... "My Little Red Corvette"... whatever you want - it's for your eyes only!

Now sit back, and bask in the glory of YOU!

 If you need a jump start it, let me know - I'll send you a love note!

Seeking Clarity

Isn't it funny how we read about diseases and suddenly have the symptoms?   I must have cancer of the whatever because I felt a pain in the wherever.  My eyes were blurry yesterday - I must have cataracts.  I was extremely thirsty last night - I obviously have Diabetes II.   Your scalp starts to itch the minute you hear the word "lice."  But have you ever read something that really hit home... causing a discovery about yourself that makes your heart leap out of your chest? 

 Ten years ago, a friend gave me some books:  

My Oprah "A-HA" moment!  Had someone been reading my journals!?  

All the years of being labeled "Drifty"... "Chatty Cathy"... feelings of inadequacy... the dizzy, light-headed feeling in groups... always trying to be funny... my addictions... word vomit... the inability to relax... to just "BE".  Could the reason I talk incessantly (and often inappropriately) have something to do with my internal wiring? I remember after being married for a couple years (twin stepsons, and a new baby daughter) I told my doctor I felt frazzled... unable to concentrate... couldn't seem to get a handle on things.  

Diagnosis:  "Mommy Overload"  Solution:  Valium

I was given precisely 10 pills, cut into quarters, instructed to take only when I felt like killing someone.  Fear of addiction terrified me - it took me two years to finish that bottle.  They gave me a lovely "who cares" kind of high... helping me catch my breath when the struggles of step-motherhood were too much to bear.  Most of the time it was enough to know relief was in the bathroom cabinet...

Time went on...frazzles were my reality.  Relaxing on the couch caused unbearable anxiety.  I could function as long as I was busy.  I lived in the cycle of procrastinating until I could barely stand it.  The high of pulling everything together at the last minute was a drug in itself!  I realize I have always functioned that way - cramming the night before a test... term papers cranked out in three days... I just can't get things done unless the pressure is on.... I drove my mother crazy.  I drive myself crazy!

I called my doctor -
eager to share my self-diagnosis and get help!   

"Let's check your Thyroid levels."  I have to admit, my levels get out of balance easily - my thyroid gland was completely removed after a minor infestation of cancer when I was 38.  It just seems that it has become a scapegoat.  "Let's check your Thyroid levels" is the standard answer for everything!   

Apparently, ADHD is extremely easy to FAKE, and is a drug of choice for many college students pulling an all-nighter.  If you do NOT have ADHD, it provides a KICK in energy, and the stimulant aids in weight loss.  Hence, the reason for rampant faking, and why doctors are reluctant to jump to the ADHD conclusion.   

I begged her to take this seriously.  I told her about everything...  my side-tracked life...
my disorganized house... my need to procrastinate... my social ineptness... 
the bulimia... the drinking... 
I even broke down and told her my secret gambling addiction (which should have cinched the deal)
She just half-smiled and said "Let's check your Thyroid levels."    

It is now ten year later... 

My house is borderline hoard-ish... I've gone through Menopause... intensive outpatient therapy to kick my addiction... and am trying Amberen along with my Synthroid and Vitamins, chasing the allusive C.A.L.M.

This week, a perceptive new friend asked if I'd ever been diagnosed with ADHD (I guess it takes one to recognize one) and offered to let me try an Adderall.  It is tax season and I am crazed (procrastination is not a good thing for an accountant).   I called a psychiatrist friend, to ask his opinion.  He said if I do have ADHD it will help... I would feel calm clarity...within 20 minutes!  If I don't have it, I would become hyper (more so than I already am).  He assured me it would be safe to try one...

OK.  If I die, call my kids.

My heart raced a little at first, and I felt flushed.  (Could it have been the coffee chaser?)

Ten minutes later I was in a meeting.  I understood and followed the conversations.  

I asked relevant questions and took detailed notes.  

I looked in the eyes of my clients, feeling confident.  

No lightheadedness.  No anxiety.

Then it dawned on me - is his what CLARITY feels like?

O. M. G.

I almost cried.

I feel like I've been lied to my whole life!

What I've been missing... what I could have accomplished... what could have been avoided.
O. M. G.

Monday morning I'm making an appointment.

If she suggests "checking my Thyroid" I'm finding another doctor.

**********************************************************************
UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE
May 31, 2012
I received my first prescription of Adderall
After five minutes she said, "You have interrupted me seven times already!"
I was starting apologize profusely, as she got out her prescription pad.
"ADHD patients HAVE to interrupt - they are afraid they will forget their thought,
interrupting is their only choice!"
We will continue to talk... but I can tell you need help"
I feel vindicated... empowered... free...
My next blog:
My Adderall Adventure!!!

There's No Place Like Home

 I should be working... but Pinning called to me...
My brain hurts and Pinning helped my headache go away...
I can live anywhere when I Pin... I'm no longer in my cluttered bedroom/office...
but in a beautiful apartment covered in Wisteria....

Source: daisyknowsbest.tumblr.com via Debbie on Pinterest

...or in my art studio...

Source: theeleganthomeblog.com via Debbie on Pinterest

...or in my mountain cabin....

Source: sundayinbed.tumblr.com via Debbie on Pinterest

Or at my beach house... sipping tea...

Source: sweethomestyle.tumblr.com via Debbie on Pinterest

Or in my winter castle...

Source: flickr.com via Debbie on Pinterest

But then I look out my window and remember...

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME...

 I never thought I'd say those words about this desert...

 I need to look out my window more often...

Crank up the hot tub honey!

The Lovely Piles

Accounting makes sense to me.  It is not subjective. 

 There is a right answer and a wrong answer, and can be extremely therapeutic... 

An expense is an expense... an asset is an asset.

There is a place for everything and everything goes in it's place... 

I love love love diving into a box of chaos and turning it into lovely array of 

Income Statements and Balance Sheets.  

Like a huge jigsaw puzzle... that lovely pile of assorted cardboard pieces 

slowly but surely becomes a beautiful picture - one piece at a time.

The pieces fit - or they don't.  It makes sense.

Looking at this makes my heart pound... the same way a messy box of paperwork does!

I melt into a pile of jigsaw jello...
am transported into the corner of my grandmother's dining room... 

where there was always a puzzle in process...

I sort through through the debris of debits and credits and assets and liabilities and 

receipts with scribbles I cannot read...enter them one by one into the program of choice, 

whittle down the pile one page at a time until my desk is cleared and 

each piece of paper is appropriately filed... each entry properly categorized.
I feel exhilarated as I arrive at the end - as the last piece of the puzzle is found.

They say the study of music helps kids with their math...
I say let them do PUZZLES!

Grammy would like this one... lots of colors... just difficult enough...

My family struggles to believe I enjoy the process.

They question my sanity as they spy the piles all over the room... 

I see the piles and feel giddy!

I love the process... the whole process... the one-at-a-timeness of it all.

When I'm done I feel such a sense of accomplishment...

so happy and calm... I only wish my office looked the way I felt!

But that is another goal... someday...

This blogger has the right idea!

Grammy would love making a puzzle out of this photo... just hard enough...

Her father, my great grandfather wrote a math book "The Theory of Nines"... 

I wonder if he loved puzzles... 

Hunger Reading Games

When my Words with Friends starts lapsing into accounting terms,

I know it is time to turn the computer off - all the way OFF - and crawl into bed to read.

Some might think that reading a book after a long day of accounting
would be the furthest thing from fun.

But I want to get lost in someone else's words... 

with no goal of balancing... or having to explain why a liability is not an expense!

I don't want a "can't put it down" type of book... for I may only be awake for a few!  

I love that feeling when the numbers begin to subside as my
brain melts into the scenario of the pages...

This year my choice surprised me.  

I found it at the library with the intention of giving it to my 7-year old granddaughter.

I started reading it just because it was within reach.

I was never a big fan of Beverly Cleary's books as a child, 

but I am enjoying immensely reading about her life, growing up in Portland... 

A Girl From Yamhill

There is something comforting reading the familiar names of parks... libraries... streets... 

knowing exactly where they are, seeing them in my head, that makes me feel one with the author.  

I walk down the street to the Roseway Theater with her,
as if I am the only one who could possibly understand what she is writing about.
It is simple... sweet... like reading her journal.
I imagine my grandparents going through the same struggles...
with the "cold winds blowing in from the gorge"... taking the bus downtown...
yet it is a book I can put down when my eyes slam shut...
and I can wait until tomorrow night to continue the journey with Beverly... 

in Portland, Oregon... my home...

I've been getting pressure to pick up a different book that seems to be careening
through family and friends.  The more everyone raves about it, the more I shy away... 

When it is no longer a "hot commodity" I will pick it up and relish every word.  

For now, I enjoy watching my young granddaughter read at a level
several grades higher than her 2nd grade classmates... 

such pride as she reads the same book that her mother and aunt are reading!  

She tries to explain the plot, warning me that I must read it before I see the movie 

(coming out next month).  I am just not interested...  

What DOES interest me, is that fact that she loves to draw lately... 

and this is as close as I am getting to this book right now... until AFTER tax season!