Letting go...

On this day, four years ago we were celebrating the life of my mother... 
Joanne Stout Adkins Magill

She died on July 16, 2008, at the tender age of 73.
Friends and family packed the Laurelhurst Clubhouse for her Celebration of Life.

I was looking forward to the cleansing act of carrying out her wishes:
"Cremate me, and spread my ashes at Doe Bay."

For years I'd heard about "The Spot."

She would close her eyes... take a deep breath... 

and go into a trance... as if imagining her soul's adventure!

You see... my mother was an avid believer in reincarnation.

This was TRULY important to her.

BUT... SNAFU... her husband wouldn't release her ashes!

He boxed her up in a wall.  

"Too bad, so sad," I believe were his words.

Not only did he never mention my father at ALL during the memorial, now this!  

He KNEW what she wanted done...  but refused to carry it out.  

How Selfish!  He was betraying the woman he professed to love!

The anger rose in me faster than a hot flash... 

and I allowed the anger to grow and flourish... and fester...

and I plotted my revenge:
I will wait until he dies, then steel mom's ashes from the wall before they shut it again.

That was my plan... 

FLASH FORWARD four years, to my soul re-booting time on Orcas Island last month:

The sun was up...the Miata top went down.
I wanted to visit "The Place" by myself... anticipating tears and anger overflowing.

But instead... something different happened... something magical...

It's a long drive, by island standards... 30 minutes or so... and incredibly beautiful.

I meandered through Moran State Park...

Took a left at Olga - resisting the urge to stop and shop at the gallery.

Not much further mom...

Oh Look!  There it is... 

THE PLACE... YOUR PLACE

Wait... what are all these cars doing here?
There was a wedding... right smack dab in mom's spot.  

I couldn't crash the wedding, but I wasn't about to leave,

so I hiked up a little trail on the other side, and there it was... 
a chair mom had reserved for me on the edge of the most magnificently serene view... 

She must have planned this whole thing...

The closer I got to the awaiting bench, 

the more I began to understand why mom wanted her ashes here...
and what else I needed to do.

Vivaldi wafted up through the trees,
from a string quartet mom ordered for the occasion.
Then Pachelbel's Canon in D signaled the beginning of the wedding ceremony.
Two people starting a new life together... dreaming of the future...
in the same spot where mom wanted her ashes to rest.


Suddenly it dawned on me... MOM IS ALREADY HERE.
Her ashes are just ashes.
They are not her spirit.
 She is here.  She is there. She is with me... 
wherever... whenever... everywhere...
ALWAYS. 



And magically my anger was disappeared... completely gone... 

anger for this, and surprisingly for a several older issues I've held onto over the years.
In its place... overwhelming joy and peace... 
and unconditional LOVE.

I waited for the wedding to finish before I stood up to leave.
It was hard to break away from the serenity, but I knew this time, mom was coming with me...

Carly Simon's words seem so appropriate... 

I wait no more like a daughter...I will wait for you forever... like a river...

Thanks mom...you always know what I need...

***
Anger and resentment are a cancer in our heart...but letting go is a soothing, healing balm...

Come sit with me a moment... let the music wash over you... 
feel the peace... 
is there something you need to let go of?

Source: google.com via Debbie on Pinterest

Fly me to the Moon!.

It warms my heart, the way our country rallies together in time of tragedies.

Whether it be a tornado... a flood... a bombing... or a senseless shooting.  

Whether an act of nature... or an act of a madman... 

We stare at the television, absorbing every detail... we ache for those caught in the middle. 

We mourn for those who lost loved ones... and cling closer to our own families.

We talk about it on Facebook.  

We pray... 

The heartbreak... the fear... the confusion.  

We need healing... we need forgiveness... we need TO forgive... 

somehow.

I don't want to discount the horrific event Colorado experienced today.

But I want to remember another July 20th in our history... 

The day we rallied together for a different reason.

The day our country swelled with pride, instead of tears.... 

as we celebrated the first footsteps on the moon!

Do you remember this day?  Did you dream of working for NASA?

I pray there will soon be happy news for our country... 

something that will bring us together with hugs and laughter...

and we will pray with gratitude instead of desperation.

In the meantime, here are some memories of yesteryear...

from a page in my scrapbook (hoarder that I am).

As usual, I have musical accompaniment!

July 20, 1969

I thought I was so clever... it's pretty rustic compared to today's scrapbooks!

 Check out that price:  TEN CENTS

 Front page of the Oregonian!

Our heroes...

 That historic quote... 

 Don't lock the door honey...

 More historic photos

 Nice to see that he added "and returning him safely to earth"

Even "Today's Chuckle" - wonder if the Oregonian still does this up in the corner...?

***

Life is so fragile...
never pass up an opportunity to let someone know you care...

We lost a boy from our very own area in the Colorado tragedy.
Ashley LeMieux honored him in her blog:
COLORADO SHOOTING- A HERO IN THE MIDST OF TRAGEDY

***

UPDATE

August 25, 2012

So soon after posting this... he is now gone.
RIP Mr. Armstrong...
His humility makes him even more of a HERO in my eyes...

http://www.stumptownblogger.com/2012/08/first-man-on-the-moon-dies-at-82.html

Here is how the family suggested we honor him... I like it.

Two Little Boys - All Grown Up

I never, EVER thought I would marry someone who had been married before...
much less someone with children already!
But I found a man who not only wept when Bette Midler sang "The Rose"...
but whose eyes glistened when he talked about his kids...

and he suckered me right in...

I was single until I was almost 30...  and suddently I was married with an auto-family
which included TWIN 8-year old boys. 
Well... what can be said? 
We had some rough years... can you spell "understatement?"   

Sometimes I think if we hadn't had that "little piece of paper"... honestly, I don't know...
but I DID have it... so when things got rough, I stuck around,
took a deep breath and maybe slammed a door or two (or three or four)...
and pretty soon one of those little hellions would climb into my lap and say,
"I love you Mommy"
Well... hearts melt whether you are biologically related or not.

The mountains are hard to climb, and the valleys are low,
but the view gets better and better every time.
And now... what a spectacular view indeed!

Today they celebrate their 37th birthday... 

I wanted to do this video for their 30th... and for their 35th...

but my ADHD spazzoid self, procrastinated until now...

I'm so proud of who they have become...

for the love and patience they also shared with me...

for the things we have learned about life, on this journey together!

Happy Birthday Matt and Gabe!

You Want a Piece of Me?

Will we crochet in Heaven?  
I like to think so... forever creating soft, lovely things 
without the worry of arthritis taking over our delicate knuckles... 
or running out of yarn!  
Another Heavenly blessing will surely be 
ALWAYS finding that elusive beginning piece! 

Maybe we will just close our eyes and create whatever delicious color we imagine! 
Oh think of the yarn we could weave...  
the patterns and colors... the endless possibilities!

In the meantime, we have Michael's... Joann's... Hobby Lobby...  

and my closet... full of yarn for future projects I dream of...  

      A little bit of this...                              A little bit of that...

 and I forgot about these...

I always have ten projects going at once... I admit it...

I am a Project Polygamist!
Projects in my head... projects on my bed... projects in the car... 

projects for today... projects for tomorrow... 

and unfinished projects from yesterday.  

I love them all!
The unfinished ones give me a sense of purpose,
and I rejoice when I complete one, 

yet feel a sense of loss as I say good-bye to my "friend of the month"

- for each project is much more than just yarn and a hook.  

Each has its own story.


As the metal dances between my fingers, 

my mind wanders to the reaction of the recipient...  the use of the project.

I imagine the baby wrapped in the softness I feel around my fingers...

the darling photographs they can capture in that beanie, even if it is tooooo big!

the afghan lovingly folded on the back of their couch...

my daughter actually wearing that neck shrug thing...
oh wow... she did!

I wonder if it will bring them happiness?  

Will they think I'm silly?
Will they use it?
It doesn't really matter... the joy is in the journey...

***

I recently discovered a book by Mac Barnett called EXTRA YARN - 
a magical tale of a little girl and the ability to change the world around her.  
She finds a box of yarn, and makes herself and Mars (her furry companion) a sweater.  
And so it begins.  
Her kindness and generosity spreads and pretty soon the whole town is warm and cozy, 
covered in her creations.  
Just a box of yarn... which never ends.  

I don't profess to be "changing the world" - 
but there is something magical about transforming a simple ball of yarn 
into a handmade gift... and it brings me JOY.  

I can give my friends and family (and even strangers on occasion)

 A PIECE OF ME...

a little bit of Debbie to carry with them... 

to wear on their head... or tuck in a drawer...
to shield their hand while baking... 

to snuggle up with at night...


It's my way of paying it forward... 
like a big Cat's Cradle connection between us all!

http://www.bailagoldenthal.com/painting/cats_cradle/cats_cradle.html

You want a piece of me?  
All you need to do is ask...