I AM what I AM...

 Isn't it great when we find something that 
totally inspires us?  

Through some old family friends, 
I found this totally inspiring blogger,
whose daughter totally inspired HER.
 Now, in "Pay it Forward" fashion,
 I am sharing this with you...
and maybe will attempt this myself!

Writing poetry is such a daunting task 
(or so it seems) - 
but this is like snippets of honesty.  
What are you thinking... how do you see yourself?  
What are your fears.... your hopes... your dreams?  
How do you want to be remembered...  

The assignment will guide you:  I AM will be the hardest one, I promise you!  
After that, look at the first words of each line, and follow along:  
I wonder, I hear, I see... etc. etc. etc.

Let Meaghan's  example blow you away...
into your own thoughts... your own soul.

 A 17 line poem - divided into three paragrahs of 
5 lines, 6 lines, 6 lines.  
The last line of each stanza is redundant...  
(4 lines of which are redundant, but who’s counting?).  

Nonetheless, it is a worthy exercise...

First her little girl's poem - how sweet and adorable... 
how observant she is... how captivated I AM...

I am a loving, pretty 2nd grader
I wonder how tall God is
I hear kids yelling
I see 5 dogs
I am a loving, pretty 2nd grader

I pretend to be a teacher
I feel a rainbow coming
I touch a tree
I worry about my house on fire
I cry about my Grandma being lonely
I am a loving, pretty 2nd grader

I understand that T-Rexes were real
I say that nothing is impossible
I dream that I could meet a star
I try to win cross country
I hope I get to eat soon
I am a loving, pretty 2nd grader
*****
And now the mother of this "loving, pretty 2nd grader"....  Meaghan

I am a divine and pure exression of light and love
I wonder what gifts my children will share with the world
I hear the angels’ sweet laughter
I see my truest self reflected back to me in the eyes of those I trust
I want to leave my own indelible mark on the world
I am a divine and pure expression of light and love

I pretend to not be scared about death and dying
I feel safe in a cathedral of trees
I touch God when I breathe deep and get still
I worry about not accomplishing what I came here to do
I cry when I feel disconnected and forget my own truth
I am a divine and pure expression of light and love

I understand we are all connected by ribbons of energy
I say I am a recovering perfectionist
I dream a world of peace, joy, and enough
I try for balance and moderation in all things
I hope I can always be small enough to believe and big enough to forgive
I am a divine and pure expression of light and love
*****

Here is a guide for your use.  
Copy and paste it and DO IT!  

 Have FUN... be INSPIRED... Be HONEST

and Email me your poetry!

BARBIE taught me how to DREAM!

When I turned 5, ALL I WANTED was a Shirley Temple Doll...  

Grammy Mim searched the blooming town for one, but came up empty handed.  

In hopes of appeasing me, she "settled" on a new Doll in Town... BARBIE

 I will forever be grateful for that turn of events...

My Tiny Tears went into storage.

Barbie and I became inseparable... the Best Best Friend I could ask for!

She didn't judge... didn't argue... could see Ken whenever she wanted, but didn't NEED him... Barbie could DO or BE ANYTHING!

I didn't care about her boobs... in fact, Skipper caused me more

trauma with her perfectly straight hair!

Barbie was happy living in a cardboard house, with cardboard furniture and cardboard albums...  

She drove a cool pink plastic convertible,

and had a wardrobe of handmade clothing 

(many of them matching my handmade dresses). 

I lived out my fantasies through Barbie... dreamed of all the things I would do when I grew up.  When my baby cousin chewed her hand, I pretended she had an encounter with a lion while on Safari in Africa! 

Sometimes it involved Ken, but she usually preferred to be alone... just like me.  

You see... we moved a LOT.  Oregon, California, Texas, back to Cali and Oregon... 

I attended TEN different schools while my dad pursued his acting career. (Yes, I said TEN!)

I didn't live anywhere long enough to establish those long-term bonds...

My ONE CONSTANT was BARBIE... and she never let me down.

Apparently, that was the vision of the original creator of the Barbie Doll:

"My whole philosophy of Barbie was that, through the doll, the girl could be anything she wanted to be. Barbie always represented the fact that a woman has choices. "

I received flack from my peers by encouraging my own daughters' love of Barbie Dolls.

They believed it would cause distorted body images...

but I know better...   

Barbie taught me to DREAM...  the gift that kept on giving! 

(Thank you Grammy Mim!)

2015 Barbie Ad Campaign is a WINNER

Dream on...

Get HEPPP to the symptoms of a Heart Attack!

I hate Valentine's Day - but I LOVE Rosie O'Donnell!

Why do I love her?  She is HONEST - that's why.

Her HBO special was on last night. 
I laughed and cried as she spoke about her  

"Spawn of Satan" teenage children... 
her "Lipstick Lesbian" wife... 

and her latest adventure - a Heart Attack.

The kind of heart attack she had is called 
"THE WIDOW MAKER" - but she survived!

She believes the reason she is ALIVE 

is to use her "public voice" to share this information with us!

Here is a clip from "The View" 

Did you know Heart Attacks kill more women than 
ALL THE CANCERS COMBINED!

Rosie O'Donnell Heart Attack Song!

Come on - SING WITH ME!

Get H.E.P.P.P!

Hot... Exhausted... Pain - Pale - Puke.... say what?

Thanks Rosie!
Call me...

Something's Coming...

This month marks an important anniversary for me...

Four years ago I started on my SOUL RE-BOOTING adventure...

Into a world of LIGHT and HAPPINESS... 

out of the DARKNESS of addiction...

Celebrating a wedding anniversary seemed lame to me - 

but THIS anniversary was something I WORKED HARD FOR!

How should I celebrate this occasion?

Sounds so simple... but what really makes me happy?

A long time ago, in a living room far, far away lived a left handed grandmother, 
with a very talkative granddaughter ...  

She gave her a shiny new crochet hook to keep her quiet...

and the rest is history...

THAT memory... in THAT living room with my grandmother, 

is where I felt the MOST LOVED and the MOST HAPPY!

What makes YOU HAPPY?

Try to remember... before the kids...

When you had time to dream...

JUST DO IT...  be HAPPY... be CALM... be at PEACE...

And remember...

A shiny new crochet hook makes everything better!

Call me,

30 Years... impossible!

In front of my grandmother's fireplace... the only place I ever dreamed of being married...

Thirty years ago today, I took the leap from 29-Year-Old-Single-White-Party-Girl.... 

to Married-with-Stepsons... and pregnant soon thereafter!

It has been quite a journey... but as everyone calls and writes to "congratulate" us, I wonder.... 

WHY are they CONGRATULATING us?  What have we done that is so special?

I feel awkward celebrating something I didn't DO... we simply survived!

Busy-mommy-syndrome kept me in a whirlwind state for many years... while my husband traveled a LOT.  He made the money to pay the bills... and I took care of everything else.

Our marriage is traditional in that sense... probably the ONLY traditional sense!

Would it have been easier to LEAVE at times?  That is a subjective question... easier for WHOM?  

I would have had to go back to work full-time to support myself... the kids would have been devastated... sometimes staying was just easier... but we stayed nonetheless... 

I think it was the right decision... but is it worthy of congratulations?  Maybe so...

I was scared and confused a few weeks before our wedding... questioning my decision... wondering if I had made the right choice.  My father and I talked for hours about it.  He said, "Picture yourself  30 years from now... what are you doing?  Who is sitting beside you?"

That question caught me off guard... but I closed my eyes and tried to envision it.  It was an extremely vivid image that came into my mind.  I was sitting on a chair in my back yard, overlooking some sort of mountain view... sipping my tea, and crocheting something or other.  Then in my mind's eye, I turned to my side, and saw Marcel... sipping his drink... smoking a cigar... and we quietly watched the sun go down.

Flash forward 30 years...  I live on the side of a mountain...Marcel sits outside every night and watches the sun go down, while sipping on his Papa's Pilar Rum, and smoking a stogie...  I often join him... crocheting something or other... almost the EXACT image I had that day with my father... 

So as we sit by our pool... and he smokes his stogies...  I realize...

We love each other in our own way... it's nobody's business but out own... and it seems to work.

Our "Wedding March" is my absolute favorite Chopin Etude... and still makes me cry...

Call me... but wait till the music is over...

Shine On...

Last January, MY SHINE PROJECT's Ashley challenged her readers to meet 100 people.
She called it simply, THE 100 PEOPLE PROJECT  .

I have always been chatty with strangers (much to the chagrin of my children) so I didn't intend on actually participating... but something started happening this year... I feel HAPPY... and have been walking around with a smile on my face.  Maybe that's the reason that quite unintentionally,  this challenge found ME...

I may or may not have hit 100... I've lost count... 
but here are three that stand out in my memory:

The Girl with Pink Hair
She was in front of me in line at Walgreen's.  I could see the "looks" people were giving her.  I told her I liked it, and was in AWE of her bravery... which was apparently what she needed at that exact moment.  We chatted for awhile... I listened and learned... and have a new friend in my phone list, 
who is encouraging me to be BRAVE!

Frazzled Mommy
I noticed her at Safeway - completely crazed - I offered to help.  
I pushed the cart with her newborn, while she gathered up her football-in-the-isle twin boys.  We chatted a little longer... (until I saw she was breathing normally)... and as we hugged good-bye, I assured her the twins would be the light of her life someday... I know from experience!  

Scary Gothic Girl
You know the kind...  and don't pretend you don't stare.
She was digging through her purse, not finding the money she thought was there... then asked the clerk to borrow the phone.  The employee told her it was not allowed!  She swore some lovely phrases as she stormed out.  Something told me to follow her to her car, where she was just sitting, staring into space.  I handed her $10 and offered the use of my cell phone.   This "scary gothic girl" hugged me and cried... because now she could put some gas in her car, and notify the daycare that she would be a few minutes late... to pick up her son... 

****

It's not as hard as you may think... and more rewarding than you can imagine...

Start with a smile and HELLO... you will be amazed at the reactions you get! 

Some are grateful... others look at you like you're crazy!
You don't have to "make friends" and hang out every weekend!
You don't have to (you shouldn't - and I never usually) offer rides...
Just listen... open your heart... and keep smiling!
You never know what a difference you can make...

I am reminded of a song we teach in Primary...
I am like a star shining brightly... 
smiling for the whole world to see...

Thank you for challenging me, Ashley!


NOTE TO SELF:  Be Friendly, NOT Flirty!  Yikes...

 

Stalking Oprah....

I'm a closet Oprah stalker... and she says to write things down... goals... dreams... life lessons.  I've been doing that since I was 10 years old.  (I should be Oprah.) Keep a JOURNAL.  Leave your regrets on those pages... and like my TUCK and SCREAM philosophy of skiing, WRITE AND RELEASE on those journal pages!  Angers... fears... regrets... leave them on the page... your journal can handle it!

The other thing Oprah has brought to the forefront (not an original idea, but she is helping spread the word) is that FORGIVENESS is NOT for the other person, it is for US!  I know it's hard.  How can we forgive when it hurts so much?  It festers inside of us like a cancer... and it spreads into all areas of our life.  Forgiving doesn't mean you have to invite them over for  dinner... but try to let it go... just let it go...  I struggle daily with a forgiveness issue.  My dreams are helping me work it out...my journal tracks my progress... I'm almost there... it is a work in progress.

Piccsy

Forgiving yourself is even more important... forgive yourself for the road not taken, and rejoice in the path you are on!  You took the wrong fork in the road?  Follow it until you come to another... and yet another... now step back and look at the beautiful jigsaw puzzle you are creating... it is YOUR picture... your story...

They say that when we are truly forgiven (repent and sin no more) that we have the miracle of forgetfulness that comes along with it.  (Not completely forgetting, for our brains have an amazing ability to remember everything)... but we are allowed to put it the back pocket... in the recesses of our memory banks, rarely surfacing anymore... no longer associated with pain and heartache... it is just something that we used to know (to kind of quote Gotya)...

When we accept that we have truly been forgiven (by others and by God) and most importantly, by OURSELVES, we can finally move forward... get out of the rut of regret...  We can only do this with prayer (to whomever you choose to pray to)... meditation (don't be intimidated by that term - it's just a fancy word for quiet thoughtfulness)... releasing our thoughts on the pages of our journals... and lots and lots (and lots) of music... and THAT's my recycled philosophy... (to kind of quote Lucy)

Don't you love it?  I'll be singing this all day... 

Happy Channukah Hannukah

As I sit wrapped in a blanket you made me, 

I'm so thankful for the traditions of the Jewish faith you shared...

and that you didn't care that I never remembered how spell it...

and that we grew up in the era of snail mail...

I miss you every day, my little redhead friend...

Happy Thanksgiving... and Hannukah 

to you and yours...

We all have ISSUES

I've cross-addicting my whole life in various and assorted anxiety-avoiding ways.
Three years ago I kind of hit that "bottom" you hear about (understatement).  

Knowing what MY bottom was, isn't as important as knowing that I have climbed out of that pit of darkness, and practice coping techniques I learned in an intensive therapy program.  We could argue all day about which addiction is worse... 

but let's just agree we all have issues...

I have been asked how I conquered mine.

But you don't CONQUER an addiction.

You subdue it... tolerate it... live with it... learn to control your triggers (urges).

But it is always lurking around the next corner,

Ready to attack... begging you to return...

There a few tricks I learned to help me deal with my daily (hourly) triggers!  But I have to admit, sometimes a good old fashioned TANTRUM is just what the doctor ordered - just do it in the privacy of your home, or you might be hauled off in handcuffs!  

Here are three of my daily rituals that really, truly help:

1. ALONE TIME every morning!

This is my MOST important ritual.

Grab a cup of herbal tea... write in a journal... meditate... pray...

Don't be intimidated by those words.  My journal is just a compilation of thoughts.... goals... lists of things to be done... lists of things I did already... even doodling...  just let your mind wander... and meditating is just quietly BEING... breathing and listening to the things around you... allowing that "still small voice" to get through... 5 minutes... an hour... whatever you need... but ALONE

2.  STRETCH

As the daughter of a ballet teacher, I learned the importance of stretching at a very young age.  I'm not talking yoga, just some nice DEEP morning stretches.   It increases the circulation... keeps us flexible... helps reduce stress... 

and just hurts so good!

Stretch like a CAT!

3.  SMILE

This should probably be #1 - Just smile more... it is contagious to others, and most importantly, to ourselves!

My second daughter came out smiling and has never stopped!

If your goal is less worry... less stress... more HAPPY...

try starting the day with a SMILE...

My smiling daughter, Carly Simone Fischer, captured on film by her smiling sister, Melissa (Emjay Photography)

Come on... just try it!

I'd love to see you smile...

Opening my WINDOWS

I've been silent in my little blogging world for a few months... allowing someone's opinion to affect me... questioning my motives. 

Have I really been TOO personal?   

Should my thoughts be saved for my journal?  

Am I too preachy?  

Do I think I know the answers to life's secrets?  

HELL NO.... 
and GUESS WHAT....

This blog gives me JOY... 

that's all that matters.

http://teresakogut.com/find-joy/

 The weather has cooled down... I'm  feeling F.I.N.E.  

My windows are now OPEN - literally and figuratively! 

Happy Day... All is WELL... SING WITH ME!

Gin Rummy Popcorn...

In the 70's life changed for us.

  Dad was no longer in show business.  We moved back to Portland.

We were broke. 

A lot of cool things can happen when you're broke... 

the best thing was the Addie Bobkins Cocoon broke away, 

and from it, emerged "Bob the Dad"!  

A dad who could go on vacations with us... 

a dad who could relax and have "Gin Rummy Popcorn" on Saturday afternoons!

RECIPE:  Pop some Old Fashioned Popcorn, 

smother it in butter, find an old black and white movie, start dealing!  Deal quickly before your opponent can organize their cards... make funny noises to fake them out... laugh till you pee!  I absolutely LOVED our lazy afternoons together.

He tried to teach me how to count cards, but to no avail. 

He DID succeed in instilling a love of movies!   Comedies... dramas... musicals... mysteries... it didn't matter!  While our buttery fingers slithered on the Bicycle Cards,

I learned the wonders of Abbot & Costello... Humphrey Bogart... Katherine Hepburn... Fred Astaire... Judy... Marilyn... Frank...

Happy Father's Day Daddy

Vertigo is on!

You deal...

Never take a Bathroom for Granted

Do you think much about bathrooms?

My friend Jerry does.

Finding this clean, accessible one, was the HIGH POINT of his day!  

Jerry has Cerebral Palsy.

Yet I've never seen him without a smile.

He is in all sorts of organizations:  UCP, NWDSA, OCDD... the list goes on.

He believes he must give back,

for he has been given so much...

I don't think too much about bathrooms... unless they clog.

I take so many things for granted...

I was at Costco yesterday.

The man ahead of me was in a wheelchair, with a rambunctious guide dog.  He was struggling to control the dog, and get out his Costco card.

With one hand holding his dog...

the other unuseable,

he used some sort of tool to reach in his pocket and bring his wallet to the surface.  

Grabbing it with the dog-holding hand, he lifted it to his mouth,

and with his teeth, extracted the card.  

The whole process took a few minutes...

I caught his glance and smiled... 

trying not to be patronizing.

He was a so handsome... a beautiful smile,

and a mischievous twinkle in his eye...

Tongue-tied for conversation ideas, I asked if I could pet his dog,

his beautiful, devoted Golden Retriever... 

That was our only interaction.  

The walk back to my car, in the outer limits of Costco,

suddenly didn't seem so far... and my Morton's Neuroma was tolerable...

I felt so happy... so humbled...

so determined to be grateful for simple things...

 like getting my Costco card in and out of my wallet...

Another friend volunteers for the March of Dimes (35 years!)

Here's her link, if you feel so inclined... every little bit helps...

Link no longer active

Where much is given, much is expected...

Don't take life for granted...

Call me.

For God so Loved the World...

When I was a little girl, I asked my daddy, 
Why do we call it GOOD FRIDAY?
It should be called Sad-Horrible-Terrible-Bad-Friday!

I'll never forget his answer... 

or the love in his eyes when he told me it was so we would 

FOCUS on the GOOD NEWS 

of the

GLORIOUS RESURRECTION!

I like that... the memory... and the message...

HAVE A BLESSED EASTER

In the Arms of an Angel

Miss you dad...